I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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