Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
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