Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
