I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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