have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
