she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
