there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize