I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
