I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
cat food counts as protein by the way
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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