Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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