If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I want you more than these girls want KFC
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
