u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
