She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
