I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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