I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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