I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
