i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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