Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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