Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you traded sex for a burrito?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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