Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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