So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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