I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
