Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
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