What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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