please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
