I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize