My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
