Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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