i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
