i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Randomize
