Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
