Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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