hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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