I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
