Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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