can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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