My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
