I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
