just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
