Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
