omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize