i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
