the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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