Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
