why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
