she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
