So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
