Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
