we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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