I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
