I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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