im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
