I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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