Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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