I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
