saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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