I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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