sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
