I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
