I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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