I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
