and she was petting her beer can
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
