Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
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