a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
