I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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