I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
