whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
