If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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