I could make wine with my vomit
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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