Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
